Last night at a kink event I had an amazing time, one of the best events I’ve been to in a long time having a lot of fun with a great bunch of guys, many of whom I’m lucky enough to call friends. Yet on the drive home I found myself wondering why I went, and to that end why I was still in the kink scene. I still can’t explain why I’m feeling this way, but there it is.
I’ve recently really ramped up going to events, and I truly love all of the ones I go to. I’ve also been trying to meet up with guys outside of events more as well, with admittedly mixed success. Yet with this new found outgoing streak, I often end up leaving wondering why I’m bothering because I’m not getting as much out of it as I always anticipate I will.
Combined with that is a consistent decline in my physical health over the past few months, limiting my play options and increasing the suffering I’ll experience for it the next day. Now I’ve never been one to let my condition dictate what I will and won’t do, to the point of blind stubbornness to accept I can’t do things at times, but in this instance I can no longer justify the perpetual fight with my body for ever diminishing returns. I’m not just tired after kink, I’m weary as well.
This isn’t the first time that my physical health has affected my mental health, and I can guarantee it won’t be the last. Previously I’ve turned to kink as an outlet for that, but for whatever reason it no longer seems to be working and may actually be working against me as I’m feeling jealous of the things I want to do but don’t feel I can, or worse yet know I could do but also know how much I’d suffer for it the next day.
To give a simple example of how fucked up I am at the moment, last night I had the pleasure of a ride in a vac rack again, one of my all time favourite bits of gear. Yet what was on my mind as I was encased head to toe unable to move and being teased; what I was going to eat so I could take my next dose of anti-inflammatory medication.
Sadly it doesn’t stop at subbing though, I feel less capable of domming as I have neither the mobility to dance around doing my rope work, the stamina to keep play going, or the strength to manhandle a sub in distress should something go wrong. That’s ignoring the fact I often feel little if any enjoyment from it and will suffer just as much. It simply isn’t worth it.
So, where does all that lead? For now, I feel like this dog just needs a rest, time to recover and repair away from kink and the jealousy of knowing what I could be doing but can’t. I don’t know yet exactly what form this break will take, or how long it will last. I know I will be uninstalling Recon/Twitter etc from my phone to reduce the temptation to look at it. I may well leave all Telegram groups, or certainly the few active ones I am in. Although I still appreciate messages from anybody, and will always answer the phone if needed, I will likely be slow to respond. Telegram will still be the quickest way to get hold of me: @ItsGhost
I am at war with my body and mind, and if I want to win the war I must first cede the battle. This is not a goodbye, more a farewell.